Winter kinda sucks big time.

Ever experience the good feeling after getting A for essay you worked hard on then suddenly drop back to emo state after few hours?

It was all hope and light then the power got cut off, leaving the spot filled with darkness and loneliness
Maybe I just need someone by my side. :S

Good night world.

Looking back at those post that once I thought I misunderstood and now knowing I was right is kinda painful to me.

But at least I had done something I should have done at that moment to prevent further damage.

Lost time is never found again, time doesnt delay but I did.

Randomly hopped onto a bus to find a place where I belong tonight but I couldn't find any. Or maybe its because I just want to find a place that I am not familiar with I think I know too much for now. Much of what I can handle.

But the bus wont stop, it goes on and on without my knowing, or its just that I choose to ignore it. Its like looking at the same old clock that stop at 10:15 in the morning. Seeing it telling you the same time every moment there give you the same old fuzzy feeling. But things just aint the same anymore.

Its like the half truth that you know but you couldn't know for sure. Something has to be done at some time. They say big things are for the big guy, therefore was I ready to take the world with me and then collapsed in front of it. I am glad that it did happen. Not that I love experiencing sad thing, but c'est la vie, life is never simple.

Just realize that I hasn't pen down my thoughts for a while in here now.

Here is it, my feeling at this exact moment.

Je suis heureux que je n'ai pas d'espoire.

I saw so many differences faces everyday.

Looking at those faces somehow guide me to reach into my heart and really think.

My life have been pretty much on a threadmill. I guess I cant stop, and in fact I doesn't want to stop. All my life I had been trying to improve my innate abilities. Stop learning and ignoring those unknowns is definitely the last thing I will do.

The good thing of being young is that you can do whatever you want.
Looking back to my old life, the only thing that stay the same was the dreams I dreamed.

To make a different.

My dreams had once been robbed by the reality of life and now I finally gained it back. I swear I will use all I have got to protect it.

I love thinking, I always am.

If one day I were to refrained from thinking I think I might just kill myself.

I tend to be caught up with my thinking everytime. I realize I actually lost the ability of thinking nothing right now. Anytime anywhere, there must be thoughts in my head.

Its interesting how one can rediscover the pleasure of carrying out the simple tasks, especially when knowing that all around, whenever one looks, are symbols of death. Doing something we love is live. But to live out a life it requires you to be living.

These blog posts, regardless of their worth, are a part of me now.
I have always been proud to be a Malaysian and a citizen of Malaysia and have carried myself with the awareness that I too, can contributed to the developing of this nation sometime at some place. So I strive to help this nation, save is not a word to be use here because I know my country doesn’t need saviour, it needs help instead. None of the country in this world is perfect.

But bring the country close to perfection is what every citizen should work on.

Every man determine who he becomes.

I am well aware of my limitations as a student and as a person. All my striving to improve daily cannot fully overcome those limitations. But despite these failings, I seem to have done some good, and that cheers my heart. When time's up, at least I did try.

I am not sure when exactly is the time I started to redefine my life.

I rediscovered myself as a creature not powerless but, in fact, equipped with the will to redefine my own course in history.

I was brought up in a family that taught me if you want to get what you need, you have to fight for it.

And the lack of government’s concern in some sense made it clear to me that I would have to live by my intuition. That was a fact I learned to accept.

It also trained me to not fallen into the habit of taking everything for granted.

You cant expect everyone to be happy under a nation, some will have to strive to prove their existence. Being able to fulfill one’s most basic biological need does not yet make a man; that makes him a biological creature, an animal.

When you start to fullfill your own dream, thats is when you start to live.

Its hard for one to realize what happiness is.
Happiness does not consist in not having things that you would like to have, but in liking the things you do have. In other words, being satisfied with what you’ve got.

This stream of warmness is exactly what I need in the midst of coldness. The wound will heal one day, but its essential to not allow wound to come in touch with poison.

There is something in life that you can never look back and you shouldnt.

Letting despair take hold on you is not the wise choice

The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.

Showing no emotion didnt mean that everything is fine, things are really gone when you are ready to face it and feel nothing to it.

Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. Put your future in good hands and dun destroy your own dignity.

If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price. You have to love yourself because at the end its the only thing that belongs to you. We cant bring anything more than our body when we leave this world.

Loving yourself is a prerequisite to creating a successful and authentic union with another. Dun ever try to get something that are not urs anymore. Strolling over roses is bad, you hurt urself and also those roses. If it hurts, it definitely is not for you.

If you live in inferiority,
you will only learn to accept and say yes.

Don't forget to love yourself. Like how you had loved someone else in this world.

Friends come and go. But alas, thats life. But to know that separating is inevitable, thats the hard part.

We used to share so much laughter on the dining table. He brought me a totally new point of views that I had never seen before.

He taught me how to see the invinsible and how to smell the sounds around me.

He told me that until I read between the line, then I will only start living.

With his existence around me I remain questioning and appreciating everything.

Its not hard to get one friend, but it is to get a friend like him. At least so far in all those days that I had lived, he is one of a few that gave me that kind of feeling. Reminiscing those moment where we sing together loudly in room gave me nostalgia feeling. I know those moment will only be found in our brain. And knowing that fact that nothing will ever be the same again kinda makes me feel sad.

To have someone that have instant connection with you is not easy, especially when it is comprised of two person from totally different background.
And perhaps what we share is beyond friendship, even beyond the meaning of life.

At some point in our life we will be at the cross road of making choices, maybe once or twice we will be heading the same direction but its impossible to make the same choice all over life. There he is, making his choice for life.

To say he is good is implying that I am better that him thus I can comment of him.

and to say that I am proud of himwould be to belittle him. Being proud of him would imply that I already had the skills that he is attaining.

That is not the case.

He is doing things that I simply cannot do. He has a skillset that I will never have. It would be more honest to say that I am proud of myself for being part of the person he is becoming, for not getting in his way, for giving him every support that I can give.

He is something beyond, should he be not born in this era, he will definitely be one of the greatest person on earth that we often read in the textbook right now.

To you my friend, I hope you can get whatever you want in your life.

To us, may we all meet in another stage of our life and telling each others our own story.

Good luck.

Walking down the road today I think to myself. Is there really such thing as unconditional love? Not being religion wise here but really is there any?

I would say the love to self is really the only unconditional one. Whatever you do, you will still love yourself. Even for those who totured themselves to dead, they are still doing it out of love because of the belief of toturing will bring them to who-knows-where. We cant love others more than we love ourself. At least thats what i think.

I know what I want in my life. But still, I constantly questioning about this. I examined myself everyday for I am not a perfect person and I know I never will. I know exactly the dos and don'ts for me to reach the goal of my life. But still sometimes I will do the don'ts because I know if I do enough of dos, eventually I will still get what I want. I never surrender to the word impossible.
If tomorrow never comes, I will still be glad because I have did enough of my part today.

Things start to change since I came here. I realized a lot of things doesnt really matter to me anymore. I can have this momentary happiness feeling grow from seeing people acting nice to others but as I take another glance looking deeper inside the intention I realized its all fake. As much as I feel like leaving this place for good but still I love this place. Its like how hard to get you to go jogging but on the halfway of jogging you will start to love it. This time of my life does have its purpose on me. We all were borned with questions. And what we do is to answer every question in life that we had.
I finally learned to not take marks as something that matters so much in life, rather I value the knowledge that I take home. I know in the future what I want is not about how much I scored for the test but how well I know about how this world operates.

I am a fond believer of discipline myself and acting kind to the other people. So I will jump out from this physical me and start to analyze everything I did. For better or worse, at least I tried.
I believe somehow there is someone that destined a path for us. And what we have to do is to find out where is it and walk till the very end.

But human are 'wierd', truth is only for those who choose to believe it. We all choose what we want to believe in life dun we? In that way we will feel so much better than having to believe something that is incongruent with our innate beliefs.

Its fall season now, the weather is getting colder as how my mind is now.
You have no sun, no squirrels, no T-shirt, no picnic, no leaves, no flowers. But what can you expect? Its NOvember!
Only when the road are full with leaves then we start to realized how amazing those trees used to be. It takes us three seasons to really look up to the sky and start to appreciate the nature around us.

They say autumn is the time of harvest, and I am. For knowledge.

I love autumn because of the smells that you can see and the vision u can sniff.
Its fall season. With death comes reincarnation. Its a new start for everything.

Ray Fredman is a bright student. He scores almost all A's in his classes. He knows exactly whats good in him and whats not good in him. For those thing that he is bad at, he doesnt even bother trying to improve it. Being specific is what counts, being a know-all-but-average-people is probably the last thing he would try to do in this world.

Then comes Dong Sheng, he is from rural area. He believe that not everything one knows need be spoken aloud. Being raise in a single minded peasant society, he got no dreams and no vision. For him, being simple is the best thing you could ever have in this world. In fact, he couldn't afford to be not simple because of the limitation of his surrounding

Chung Yong is a brilliant male in sports. He knows only the language of "I am better" and "I am the best", winning or losing is a vital matter. Winning is attributed to own ability and losing is the cause of environment. For he is, probably the best in everything you can imagine in this world.

Mariam is a computer genius, he follow a systematic rule in his life. Waking up at 7 o'clock in the morning and sleep at 12am. The only thing that differentiate him with a machine is that he consume food while machine only consume oil or electricity.

Benjamin is a soccer fans. He is an atheist. Wind is the best noun to describe him. Whenever there is the present of cinders, he is there to spark the fire up. He likes to help people. But he doesnt like to take up the responsibility. For him, taking advantage of someone is nothing. He believing in throwing-things-to-others-to-keep-your-arse-clean.

These five peoples made up a community. In fact, they can represent the whole society. You might think some of them are not desirable traits but are they really? At some point of our life we will have to choose sides. No matter which side you choose, you gave up the other. And there is no one can tell you which side is the correct one except yourself.

Self is the easiest thing to please, by saying a lie, our heart will automatically subside. And make itself believe what just happened was justifiable.

If you are not happy with someone else attitude up their, you have no right to blame it on them. Because in this world, there must be someone who particular like that attitude.
If there is a person to blame, that would be you, for not tolerate enough

Its not possible to reach a point where right or wrong were replaced by a single concept

In fact, all we had was soy sauce in here, just different method of extraction.

I finally got the time to sit down and put all my thoughts together.
It been a tough month, but I really enjoyed it.
It actually does feels like months.

Some people rush into our life and left. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And there is one thing that will never change, ourself. Nobody can deny the fact that we hold the ownership of it. To someone out there, please do take good care of yourself. Saying "I will be ok" and "I will be happy" is not the right way.
"will be" and "am" is two very different thing. When you say you are happy, you are. And you have to believe that you are happy.
They say you laugh because you are happy. I say you are happy because you laughed. Some people pursue for happiness, but I think we are all able to create it ourself.

Appreciate the moment. When you heard everyone is waiting for that "moment" to come. Dun wait, its already here. This is the very "moment", for now is, the next minute is, and every following minute is.
If you want to be happy, be.

Dun ask the question "Why does this happen to me" unless you ask the same question for joys that come into our way.
That is, when you are really start living.

Words are like knives. It can easily penetrated into your heart without any sense of mercy.
You can pretend that you don't care at all, but deep inside its there. And its gonna be there for a long time until you really get over it.

If you follow my blog for quite some time, its not hard to find that I am a rather sentimental person. But the fact is this sentimental part of me always keeps itself hidden from the real world. Sometimes I keep a lot of thoughts to myself. Its not that I am being selfis. To tell the truth, some words are not meant to be spoken.
Even when you shout it out loud, its not neccessary that people would believe in you.

I believe the world is always in an equilibrium and thats how it rolls.
Happy and sadness are the same.

Most of the time I am happy, but when I am alone, I gave some time for sadness to come in and conquer me.

Its me.
This is how I was brought up with, and this is gonna be how I end up with.

Ever had this sudden realization on something that could be so beautiful?
Its a kind of feeling that strike you in second but left its mark permenantly on you.
The fact is, its been there you for years but you never really know about its existence.

Funny eh?

Some people around told me that they have characters whom they never would have chosen had they choice over their history.
For me one's background and history is what build up who he/she is right now. Every incidents in life counts, including how you close the door this morning or even how you kicked away the rock that get in your way.

So I come to think about what consituted me. What exactly am I made of. Looking at those food product in the grocery saying "made in XXXX" makes me fall into deep thought myself. Where was I made in? And what in my life that make me feel that I am half eastern and half western right now?

There is no doubt about what I characterized myself as and where I recognized as home. But its the inside that haunted me. As more time spending at foreign country, I think the osmosis effect happen too me. For good or bad, I assimilated into the culture where people get drunk all day long, having only specialize in one thing but not the other, and all-you-can-think-of.

I realize that I start to note about the pros and cons about this world. There are always two ways of answering question. Culture is like water to us, and we are the fish.
Without having to leave the water, we wouldnt even know the existence of water. But when we were forced to leave the water, we will realized how comfortable the water was and how ignorant we were for not being able to point out the pros and cons of the medium.

I still remembered the moment where I sat down alone in the paddy field. The moment imprinted on me the sense of Malaysia as my home, the sense I have never been able to recover anywhere else in the world so far.
Every other place is foreign after this moment.

It always takes an absence for us to know how precious present is. Isnt it ironic how people never cherish the previous "good" moment and only regret afterward?

Shirley Lim, to me she is a totally westernized figure, but whats makes me different from her? There are time I try to ask am I really a Malaysian too.

If me isn't spell by only "m" and "e", what is, me then?

Its been a week since I came back here.
Surprisingly many things still remain the same. Or maybe its actually under the comparison that I actually changed a lot. I felt as if every year I come back with the same body but different mind.
There are something that I thought I wouldnt care, but turns out i really care about .
so here I am, start on the blogging routine again.

I think I had already been through the stage where you will have sudden realization in your life that you had been sleeping through the previous years in your life. I feel alive and really living. Even a small event occured in bus can easily pick up my interest towards it.

Sometimes I still look back to the time where I was so determined to settle down with one girl and to form a family. For me now that is really an act of impulse. I now understand whats with the "too young too make decision" thing that I used to hear so much during my teenager year.
As painful as how the life is like, people have to still go on.

Dun get me wrong, its not that I refuse to settle down. Its just that there are still so much to see in this world and I think I still need time to discover the beauty of it.

Remember how I say I want to be more alive and live out every bit of my life?

I think I did it.

So I went back from this 4th Malaysian Student Leaders Summit held in Nikko hotel.
I didnt gave much of thoughts before entering this conference nor reasearch anything about it.

But the fact is I did enjoy it.

It brought up those "sensitive" issues that are so crucial and critical for this country. I rarely blink my eyes because once your mind got taken away, you will be missing out a lot in occasion like this.

"He" told us he doesnt have the historical luggage and he lives in the realm of reality.Another "he" says he is not racist and he loves us all.And the third "he" comes out and say the people are fedup and tired of racial political.But they all do agree on one thing, WE NEED A CHANGE.

I have friends of different races, but we never talked about how unequally we are being treated, because we know thats something we were borned with so we learn to accept it.

But deep down inside, YES, we know something is not right and we need to fix it. And by we I mean the future we by the time we put our feet in this circle.

To be frank, I would very much like to go up to the front and ask three of them. Would any of them ever be willing to take me (a chinese) as their son and treated me as the same as their owns.

For that is, the greatest love one can give. If they say yes to this, I am so sure that nothing will ever be the problem again.

As long as the problem of unity has not reach, the steelyard, I believe, will still be balancing itself with unequal arms length.

And as long as I feel the strangeness of being addressed by others a "chinese" instead of a "Malaysian"

I sincerely believe, we still have so much more yet to overcome.

1Malaysia. Good luck.

This is something I ought to write for so long but i never been able to do so until now. Maybe its because I dunno how to start it at all.

I once heard that "a friend in power is a friend lost". But hey, arent we already been through that together? We spent quite some sleepless nights together helping others but why not even a few lines now?

We can live without religion and meditation, but we cannot survive without human affection. True friend is something that can grow separately but without growing apart from each other.

"True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen."
"Friendship is delicate as a glass, once broken it can be fixed but there will always be cracks"
And now, I think it is cracking.

I understand the fact that the only way to have a friend is to be one. So I always try hard to be one. I know perfectly well that everyone has different stages in life that they have to go through. But forgetting each stage after you stepped through is not something understandable for me. If there is a book for it, I would very much like to read it.

True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable. A single flower could be a garden for me, and in turn a single friend could be a world for me. We could have darn a lot of friend but to have intimate friend you can only have a few. Having recently found out the deterioration of this friendship, I feel sad.

I didn't even have the courage to initiate anything. Its like something is lost between us

Its heart wrenching to see a once strong friendship deteriorated to such a fragile state. The feeling is just not that right anymore. There used to be an energy field between us, but now. Its long gone.

Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget. I hope I will never have to reach the last part of this equation. Its a mutual thing anyway, by chance we met, and by choice we choose to be good friend.
I take our friendship as a gift, just like how I treasure my own life.

If you found this friendship somewhere, please help me to water it, because it needs it badly

Perhaps its just forgotten at a corner. I wish it is.

To you, maybe it is nothing.
To me, it is the bleakness of mortal realm.

I like to ask my friend this question

"What do you want in ur life"

Some asked for a life without any worries, some ask for a life with luxury, and some say as long as everyone is happy, he/she will be.

Everyone has their different views on life and how to live out a life themselves.

It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth ,and there is no way of knowing when is it end, only we live life to the fullest. But its too late.

Some always getting ready to live but never really living

It is not about the length of life, but the depth.

You fall out of your mother's womb, you crawl and realized how the world is like, and drop into your grave. And that is, as cruel as it is, LIFE.

An useless life is an early death, at least thats what I think.

There is an old chinese saying
"A kind of rice can rear hundred kinds of people"

For me thats wrong, that should be much more than that.

"Every man dies. Not every man really lives."

今天又去和外公喝茶
有种淡淡的感触

他还是一如以往的抽烟
烟抽到尽时
发现他抽的是寂寞和往事
虽说每次见面都是说一样的话
但心还是感概的
毕竟这是一种没法用钱买回来的幸福

他眼神露出智慧是我遥不可及的
我把它的一字一句都听得很仔细
用一句很古老却很实用的话
“他吃的盐比我吃的米还多“
他的那份坚持也让我打从心里的敬佩他

毕竟能在树下乘凉的幸福
并不是每个人都能有的

Its now the time of the year.

I am going back. Have tonnes of plans

Yes I am

Saw this picture on the internet days ago, I think its interesting so I save it to my computer and share it with you all

Nobody is happy unless you are satisfied with what you already have.

:)

Stop jealousing and start loving.

I might not be updating this blog that often when I go back Msia. Its just how the way it is. Life is bigger than online back in Msia. But at here online is like my everything.

Till then. Good luck everyone for whatever test you had, having or will be having.
(This is why sometimes english is better than mandarin)

Only few days more.

Good luck everyone.

There are two times when I will drop into deep thought myself.
When I bath and when I run.

One of the reason why I like running is because you can do it alone. People around you doesnt have to adjust themself to fit your time, your stamina, and your pace. Or the other way around.
This is one thing that you can do alone at anytime.
You don't have to ask other to run with you because you can do it perfectly well without others to accomodate you.

I managed to set my personal best here recently. It was beyond words.
The pace, the breath, the time, and everything is just so right for me.
Shoes does matter. It reduce the time up to 4 seconds.
Not forget the social facilitation theory as well.
With the right shoes, I can do so much more.
I think that apply to life too, with the right people beside you, you gain so much more without having to do more.
I finally have this epiphany telling me that its not the physical thing about running that I love, it also is the mental process.
It was broken, and it still is. But I gonna fix it.
I have never been so sure about what I want before but I do now.
And I gonna go for it. No matter what it takes.

Sometimes you know its a trap, but you will still allow yourself to fall into it and sink.

That really is life.
Deep inside I know that nothing is impossible.

I know if you want something, you will get it if you worked hard enough.

아마나는 바보 야, ou peut-être sa-il encore.

Life ask you to keep off, but still human choose to jump inside.

And I am just a homosapien.

Ever have a thought that waking up in the morning and feel like running out to the road and let the car crashed into you so that you wont have to worry about anything anymore?

I am having that thought now.

And dun worry, I am okay, for now.

Seriously I wish I never have to write this thing down.

This is to mark down what I feel and what I think for these three years in this circles.

Trust me, I had tried hard enough to get into the group that once I doesnt , and probably never will belong to.

Its funny how relationship will slowly deteriorate up to a point.

I witnessed how ignorant and arrogant can one be. I am not a perfectionist myself, so when I start to get annoyed by something, you can imagine how wrong the situation is like.

The point is, if you are keeping it to you and your so called "friend" I am totally ok with it. I know how variety this world is. I have been there. But if you crossed into my boundary, I wont be the one who just keeping quiet and aint doing a shit thing. I will rebel.

I will make sure you know the consequences if you offended me.

Saying others is inferior than you is wrong.

Waiting others to do something good to you is wrong.

Assuming you have the most hectic workloads in the world is wrong.

Acting as if everyone needs you is wrong.

Being sarcastic at the back and turn drastically to be the good man in front is wrong.

Commenting on others while you are just the same is wrong.

Being stubborn and never listen to anyone is wrong.

With so many wrong things happening in my life everyday, Sometimes I dun even know what is right anymore. I am how I think. What I do to you is exactly how I think about you.

I tried so hard to understand why would there be so much differences when we are all human. Bragging about how tough his/her life is and saying to the world that he is the best, acting as if the world owe him/her everything he deserved, taking advantage of other people for his/her own sake, never appreciate what others had done for him and etc.

So I come to a conclusion myself, to be this high, you need to be weird enough. There is only a few hundred in the country who make it to this point. To reach here, I know you have to have something.

Remember, the world or people around you doesnt owe you anything.

Thats how u should live your life. Its not a playground, in fact everyone can treat you like a dog on the street. We can donate our things to you, but you wont get anything anymore if you never bark or shake ur tail after we gave you the bone.

Upon writing this I was still thinking of saving some to maintain the relationship within the group. But now I know I dun anymore.

Songs is always something in my life.

When I feel sad, I listen to it

When I feel happy, I listen to it.

And even when I go to toilet, I will listen to it too.

Its the thing you can access to antyime. When everything around you is not right, put your earphone on and the world will be yours again.

I am that kind of people who can listen to one song over and over again in certain time without getting bore with it. But its temporary. So my favourite song tend to change once in a week.

There are some song that actually marked the stages I had been through in my life.

They all have certain meaning to me. When the rhytm starts, I tend to fall into deep thoughts myself.

I call it learning. The learning of every stage of your life.

你记得吗 by 胡彦斌

Its like the first chinese song I start to hear. It has certain meaning for me. If there is a word for it, it would be naive.

The second one would be I believe (My sassy girl theme song)

Whenever I play the song on my ipod, I will have a special feeling. It feels like I did something bad, but it was because I was still not mature enough to handle anything serious.

And of course, I can remember those scenes in the movie. It is still on of my favourite movie till now.

The third one is Pretty boy by M2M

This song represent the downest moment of my life. But still, I am glad that this song come to me. It makes me grows up a lot.

The fourth one is 朋友-周华健

Its not about anything in the song that make this song special. Its about when and where I sing it. And the moment I sing it. This song marks the end of sweet 16 in my life. Out of all, I think this is the one I love the most after all these years.

The fifth one is 隐型的翅膀-张韶涵

What I like is the pureness and the feeling. The word for it would be dream. The dream of striving for a better future.

And the last one is Selfish-N'sync

The lyric is just perfect. The word for it would be miracle. There isnt a lot of miracle in my life, but I am luckily enough to have this one as miracle. =)

But one song never gets old to me.

The song name is "Lee Lung", I can play it anyway I like, with my own story in it. Its noisy sometimes, but still, I like it a lot. And I have never worry how long the song is, because when the time comes, it will stop itself.

I am quite surprise when I heard "You have the look" again from a new friend of mine today.

Somehow I thought its something that people will only realize when they actually talked to me.

"the look" is the so called psychology look.

Its like N times that I heard this from my friend and I am still wondering what in me that potrait myself as having that look.

Maybe I really look like one, talk like one and write like one.

But one thing I can be sure is. I never regret of choosing this, and never will.

Maybe fairytales do exist in this world, but only those with bad ending

It came fast, but it goes away faster

This week I had been through a lot.

I dun even know what define me.

Life is a journey of learning, whether you succeed or not , you learnt anyhow.

Meanwhile, I am glad that it happen afterall.

The olympic has come to and end. Everything is back to normal here, like how my life is now.

Things stay the same.

And I am still the same.

=)

Sometimes when something comes, you just cant do anything to prevent it.
我不希望你会被伤害 ，平平凡凡就好。重点我的儿子快乐 ，不要被人耍

16 March 2010 01:02am
I cried.

Just wanted to say there are a lot of thing I felt like going back to the time and fix it.

Its not what dictionary classified as "regret". If you think I am, I am not. Sometime I am just thinking what I could have done to make the life now a total different episode. Some people come at the wrong time, and there are always some wrong people come in at the right time as well.

Thats just what life is, you can never get the best because this is the only way to keep you alive and chasing what you want.

But when you have got the best, you would dream of better.

Its just human, the reason why human were different from any other things.

At times, I would miss you, and I would miss those moment.

I know exactly where to reach you, but I just cant touch you anymore.

Instead of saying you are my best friend, I would say you belongs to the family. And you are one little thing that I am now not able to hold in life. When you choose to go, I expect the worst of you. I hope you are better in the other place now.

I really hope you do. I love you. You will be missed.

When the dawn is near, I know its the time to let you go.

Since I came here I always have a question to myself.

Why cant I score high grade in exam or even a small test?
At first I was blaming this to my poor english standard. But as the time goes and my english skill is building up, I dont see any improvement in my grade still.

I feel like its not something I can control within me anymore. No matter how hard I try to study for a subject I feel like its impossible to go beyond the gate that I had "technically set" for the first test result I had here. Thats just it.
Its like having something in your hand, but you can never have more because its too far away from you.

C'est la vie, n'est ce pas?

Being in Arts is funny, your professor will tell you that grammar isnt really the main subject in exam's essay, the most important is your idea. But the truth is grammar does a great shitload of things. Even if you doesnt know anything about the question, you can still squeeze something out and get some marks, or even full marks.

I am not the one who really care about the marks. But the point is I just want to find a reason why is that so. I study for the content rather than test. I study whenever I feel like it.

Currently learning how to solve rubik's cube faster and learning korean. Why? Because I feel like learning it.

:) cinquante-huit journee a maison

Picture says it all, cuteness overload!!!

Sometimes I will ponder about the pros and cons of olympic.

Its good cause everyone come here and spend money.

But I really dun understand why the clothing brand need to prostitude themself to the event. What is the skating shoes do with the cloth? Cant they just dress up the doll normally?
And basically every shop does it. WHY?

Anyway, its just my two cents. No offence

主運(青龍方)解說：
管大環境．家庭中風格．腦中思想 您的主運為以下論述：
屬精打細算、愛財取之有道型，城府深，又好面子，桃花頗多。為人逍遙自在，慷慨大方，但稍有懶散拖延情形，人緣好、樂助人應酬多，勤奮認真，決定之事不容易更改，意志堅忍一意孤行，這種個性容易大成大敗，為人不甘平淡，一生變化大，傾向投機、有橫發事業出現，易有出人意料能成功，一夜如遇貴人成名滿天下。如遇小人一生多難、浮沉不定，多疾多糾紛起伏難定。

此數為貴人之數，此數之人最易患車關，喜歡和朋友往外跑、到處玩，若配局不當，最容易發生車關，在外格，異性緣好，又是坐享其成之人為人聰明、反應快，自尊心強，有領導能力，重承諾，謙和有禮、人緣佳。

副運(砂手方)解說：
管夫妻關係．做事過程．人生規劃 您的副運為以下論述：
子女們有意志消沉的傾向，個性保守不思創新。

男人有此數：對異性較消極，渴望迷人的對象，卻不敢主動追求，對母姊型能幹型女性較有好感。
女人有此數：對異性過於理想化，容易陷入孤寂空洞幻想中，對現實生活甚不滿意卻無勇氣改善創新，而日度一日，容易有憂鬱的傾向。

此數具有謀略、智慧、心思細、內斂，內心空虛，可靠智慧賺錢之數。
個性是保守消極謙和忍讓，精神容易空虛寂寞，能隨遇而安，有不滿不溢言表，喜歡追求哲學宗教心靈，適合單純閒散生活，積極展開社交圈則容易捲入是非糾紛，並受人牽累。外實內虛常為小事煩惱，心胸開朗發揮長才則易成功。有才華卻不見容於社會，多災多疾多糾紛，空虛困苦。

外運(白虎方)解說：
外在的人際關係．行動力．行為表現 您的外運為以下論述：
在工作上或在事業上對友誼充滿熱忱，但對別人要求太高，容易失望而灰心，對別人相當熱心慇勤，也能與人深交，但隔不久即生厭，又另交新友。部屬面前不苟言笑，能樹立權威，是能幹的主管人選。

總運(前堂與後山方)解說：
最終的本質．總體的表現以及給別人的感覺 您的總運為以下論述：
此數為貴人之數，此數之人最易患車關，喜歡和朋友往外跑、到處玩若配局不當，最容易發生車關，在外格，異性緣好，又是坐享其成之人。為人聰明、反應快，自尊心強，有領導能力，重承諾，謙和有禮、人緣佳。

有兴趣的朋友可以到http://www.131.com.tw/

I was always told that I need to be happy during New Year time, I think I am really happy this year.

deduct the dollarssss I lost this year. FML

:D

Thanks to winter olympic, I have two week holiday which fall exactly on Chinese New Year. For those who dunno, I am still having the two weeks holiday now. So whoever want to talks to me please do so cause I am super free now.

Olympic is good in a sense, it changes the whole Vancouver. But the bad thing is the congested public transport here, buses are always full. And you will see a lot of crazy people with their crazy country flag on them.

So its crazy people with crazy flag in a crazy town taking crazy bus.

Till then. Happy Chinese New Year everyone. Hope you all have a good one :)

At times I will fall into deep thoughts about life.

as in, my life

Right now right here, I am lost.

I start questioning myself did I do the right choice in my life. I feel like I had made a lot of mistakes in my life and I didnt work hard enough to squeeze into the most preferable path in my life. A big part of me is the thing that I love. Its in my blood.

Reality and Dreams are two different things.

You see things; and you say, "Why?"

But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?"

I have envisioned everything about it in my head, and I did rehearsed it over and over again everyday. But I know it will still be a dream if I never actually work on it.

Dun get me wrong, I don't have nothing to regret at all in the past.

But I know I need to do better in the future!

When I went back to something that I liked today after a long time, I suddenly feel the passion of it. I feel connected to it but I know somehow I cant just go for it because of my own limitation. I wish to be it but I know its not the time yet.

I doesnt have the strength and body shape and speed and everything to be it, but who cares?

I know I like it, and thats everything I need.

Yes I am being emo,

but no, I am ok.

I am just at another stage of life. I am glad that a short 1 hour training makes me grows.

Every man dies and not every man really lives. To lives, you must fill what's empty and empty what's full.

And thats what exactly I am gonna do now.

Life has been good to me recently,

I learnt a lot

I realized that self fullfilling prophecy really exist in this world. People will fill in the details they want thus perceiving this world as what they thought how it should be like.

Education cant provide us a line that distinguish what is correct and what is wrong for us. Everyone has their own ruler. There are too many jabronis in this world, they didnt walk their talk. They show off to people around them saying how good they are and how are they going to do something impressive. Instead of saving power to face their life, they are bragging how hard is it for others to be in their situation, but do they really know how others' situation is like?

In a way they are trying to impress everyone, but are they?

Its good to share your experience with others, but its not when you simply assume that you are working harder than others because you thought you were.

Being a narcissus might make them feel good, or even people around them will also feel good about them, but only naive people.

And in the end, they got nothing other than a big mouth.

The problem is, when you made the most "tabah" person in the group pissed off at you, you should know what mistakes you have done.

Love it or leave it, thats life.

I feel like I have this very "lungism" principle to live out my life. I do what I think is correct and let god to decide the rest for me. When I know someone is not good for my life, I will slowly move out from his/her circle because I know the longer I stay, the more danger I would be in.

My law of live is simple.

If you treat me good then I will treat you double good.

If you treat me bad I will definitely remember it.

People may say that I am being mean to those people, maybe they just did mistake.

But you can never guarantee there wouldnt be second times.

I see how people live through scornful remark flabbily, and I think its wrong. I think there is a need for me to correct those who made scornful remark instead of swallowing it silently. I believe in laissez-faire. I know everyone has their own freedom of how to live out their life, thus I wont say I am the one who live out the 100% life over others.

Of course I am not a perfect person, I do have my flaw as well.

*end of bragging

__________________________________________________________________

Recently I found that I had a very good ability on recognizing faces, I can nearly recognize everyone from my class even though I had never talk to them before. Maybe a big chunk of my brain had been using up to recognize face, that why I cant do great in study :(

Some funny thing to share, someone say I look like this guy few days ago.

Michael Cera

acted in Superbad and Juno.

So I attach my own pic here for comparison.

They now call me Asian Michael Cera.

囧

Recently Apple just launch the long awaited Ipad.
They say picture talks. I believe this one does its job well.

Many were disspointed, I am one of them.


Oh no wait! Ipad cant even run four application in a time, my bad about the caption above.

I was terrified by the news of Haiti recently.
Until I saw them, I know there are still hopes and loves

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Everytime we love, everytime we give, its the time the world at its best

A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love.

I believe that love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it.

Good luck Haiti.

I don't usually like to speak about politic.

When I do, it must be something that had happened really annoyed me or its because I feel like there is a need for me to do so.

I feel like I have the urge to speak something for this country at this very moment.

Since I was small, I was told to work harder than others because we are not the majority of this country. We have the need to work harder than others so that people can see us and recognize us.

And so I did.

I wouldnt say I have much of an accomplishment now. But I can humbly say I at least am representing my country for the moment.

Trust me, I have more love to this country than I could possibly written it all out here.

I love the country like how I love my family, because without the country, there wouldn't be me.

I knew you since the first day I was borned. Everything I had with you is definitely the best I could ever get in life.

"I thought I knew you"

You were one of the 17 mega diversed countries. You were the song that we all sing to commemorate the death of those warriors who claimed the land from the dictator. You were the home for thousands and thousands of elites and families. You were the greatest nation dominate the world industry of rubber and palm oil.

You gave me the most joy and excitement that I couldnt find anywhere else in this earth. You have the best food and the best places to visit in the countries. You have a great system that bond people from different races together.

And most importantly, you were my home. You were the closest friend that I had ever made in my life. Those 50 years of history have proved that you are strong enough to overcome any fear of people have had for this country. You once told the world you are the place where everyone can live under one roof peacefully.

To quote Margaret Atwood "Perhaps that's been my difficulty in writing you this letter: I'm not sure I know what's really going on."

The situation is horrible for anyone to see in this world.

I felt embarrassed when I saw the news all over the world.

"When did you get so fragile?"

Shouldnt you be holding hands together and building up the country?

Is it worth to give up the once great union for a single word of"god"?

Where is your once glorious "bersatu dan maju"?

The fire might have destroyed the building, but I truly believe that union between people will not be destroyed so easily.

It was said that "the land that spilled with my blood is my country" and "god gave happiness for the people".

If there should be a war declared, it should not be a civil war.

I am not writing to show how arrogant I am and telling to others that my words held new and intriguing insights that nobody in You had ever thought of or heard before.

I am writing to do as much as possible as I can as a student to help you.

If there is a wish for every meteor fallen on this earth, I will stay out every night to wait for meteor rain.

I wish that this country will back at once again.

It will be.

refer to Margaret Atwood- A Letter to America

Its probably an once in a life time "bomb in the bus" experience.

It was a snowing day, some people slept in the bus while others enjoying the scene from Washington DC to New York. Most of us are sleeping and try to get as much rest as possible before reaching New York.

But one of the passenger in the bus are not.

We woke up by the sudden stop of the bus in the middle of the highway. At first I thought it was just a routine stop so that people can go to restroom or grab some snacks.
The next scene is what makes the day interesting.

About 4 police cars surrounded the bus and ask the driver to go down from the bus.
I wasn't aware of the incident until I saw a tall inspector-like guy come up to the bus and ask us some question about the changing of driver.
So I thought what is actually happening to myself at that moment, but only she knew what was happening.

Maureen, the girl was later asked by the police to go down from the bus. At first I thought it was like some illegal immigrant kind of stuff. But it was more than that.

The bus driver then come up to the bus and whisper to the front row passenger
"That girl is crazy, she said there's a bomb in the bus"

I figured it out immediately. The girl actually thought that the bus was hijacked because there was a change of driver about 1 hours ago.
Duh!

So the whole thing becomes connected, that girl thought the bus were hijacked by this pakistanis-looking driver and that he is going to drive us all to hell on new year eve.(literally speaking).
On the one hand you can say that this girl watched too much movies. On the other, she was just being cautious. A lot of issues actually contributed to this incident, discrimination is definitely one of them.

I believe part of it is because the 911 smashed too hard on the country, it probably will never be forgotten by them anytime soon, though it had been nine years now. It just too painful for them to see their friends or family pass away in such a sudden and unexpected way.

After the incident, I looked out to the window.
I can hardly imagine about living a life in danger, nor in fear.
I couldnt help to look at her in the bus
I think she actually did something good for her, and of course

for us.

What I did in 2009
2009 was great despite of the swine flu, economy crisis, people losing jobs, but still, it was a great year for me.

I had been to six countries, 7 if you count Macau as one in 2009.

2009 set the down-est record for my mood so far. January 2009, I can still remember vividly how my mood was affected by the result I got for the first semester. It was devastating, I was homesicking, desperating, and food craving for that time.
Trapping in the foreign country without the support and accompany of your family is hard, you have got to do everything by yourself, and you have got to know that its no one but you.You got to buck up and face the coming challenges. Love it or leave it, thats the thing I learnt.

Then just in a blink of time I am home. Nothing can ever beat the feeling of home. I have only one home, because home is built with love and dreams, but house is just made of sand and stone. I may have a lot of places to stay, but home, just one.
There is nothing half pleasant as going back home again.

2009 was probably the year where I had the most buffet lunch and dinner in my 20 years life. I believe I had eaten more than 200 salmon sushis for the past year.



Been to Hong Kong. It was really a great trip, but it could be better without the swine flu.

Bangkok, May 2009. Travelling with friends. Had some jokes that will never ever be forgotten. I realized that squating in front of 7-eleven eating maggie mee can actually enjoyable :) I had so much time well spent with you guys and seriously if the time would just stop for one second, I would grab the chance to spend that one second with you guys.

Bali family trip, June 2009. Travelling with family member is definitely the best thing in life. And of course, I had the chance to meet my brother whom I have not seen for 1.5 years. I really wonder sometimes why is he so different than me. But one thing I can be sure of, we share the lameness. And we absorb each others' lameness and make use of it.
And because of this trip, we promise each other to have a family trip in June for every coming years.

Its funny how three of us ended up pursuing our dream in different regions on the earth , I am at the north hemisphere, he is at the south hemisphere, and he is in the middle of the earth. Three of us experience three different timezone and culture, but still, we share the same blood.

Melacca, June 2009. You can get the best chicken rice here, it is seriously very berry strawberry delicious. Would definitely go back again for the chicken rice alone. How nice it is? I would say I wouldnt mind driving for three hours to Melacca just to have that chicken rice then drive back home. Eat is always a big part of me.

June 209. Pulau Redang, Malaysia. Probably the best island in Malaysia. Recommended for couple as well as a bunch of friends. One thing that I saw in the island make me fall into deep thoughts. The workers there are mainly immigrants. They are really good in term of providing services.
At first I saw one of the workers there holding something and walk to a corner alone. I thought he was planning for something bad. But it turns out he wasnt. He was actually trying to find a silent place to read a letter alone. I can never forget the smile from his face when he was reading the letter. That is just so natural and full of love. When he is done reading it, he kisses the letter and go back to work again. He saw me on the way back to work, and he nodded to me and smile, and that is, one of the best smile I had ever seen in my life.
Working abroad is hard, but it is not when you have the support from your family.
That might just be a letter for any other person, but for him, its something that he couldnt afford to lose.

September 2009. Gathering with friends can never be more fun, you get to know everyone's stories and of course, secrets as well. Sendoff two of my best friend to study in US. Went to sing K almost every twice a week that time, those are the crazy time, but yea, I love it.

Summer 2009. Went back to the things that I once lost interest in, Petanque.

August 2009, Got my first ever DSLR, partly due to the horrible incident I faced where I lost my camera.

Summer + Fall + Winter 2009 Learnt how to solve a rubic's cube online. Now I can solve it within one minute. Finally decided to have something lively in my room, so I start to take up the responsibility of petting fish, and it really helps. As the picture shown, I got to save a little money as well.

December 2009. Before the end of 2009, I got the chance to fly over to achieve my American dream. The country was good. Though its not that good as what I was imagine before but still, its a great trip and I learnt a lot of things during the trip.


Till then, my wish for 2010 is simple.
Better than 2009 :)