Pere

6 months gone.


I made a discovery since the last trip back home. As time goes by, I start to realized that it wasn't the way I thought it is. Then it came a time when I got struck by this epiphany that maybe he was right, I failed to see through the relationship and thought that it was meant to be so it should be. The onrush of the sensory world occupied my attention so fully that only left very few rooms for logical thinking.

I never ask for anything better because its not for me to ask and I shouldn't. I thought its gonna get better and beyond. But now I am really scared, I scare one day I might even start to hate the very same thing that I stood up to fight for.
I am afraid that I might become those people whom I despise. Yet another side of me tells me that its okay to hate since there is nothing to love at the first place.

I somehow felt the curtain is closing on me. Maybe it was a mistake since the start. Maybe its something that you were forced upon and the only way is to blindfold your heart to go forward, or maybe its not a way at all since it doesnt offer alternative.

Thank you, for this good life, and forgive me for not loving enough.

The catch is, go on and never look back.

Finally got time to write the feeling of the two weeks trip back home for the long missed Chinese New Year.

Honestly, I was holding a rather skeptical view toward heading back home due to the previous conflict we had, in fact I wasn't even that much excited when I was packing. But thankfully, I proved to be wrong later, it was definitely the best trip back home I had.

Conversation with mum was the particular interesting one, you can never ask for a better mum like her. The conversation with her in that two weeks was beyond any summer that I spent with her.

Things have changed, so as the topic we talked about. She now tells me I have to prepare some money for the future wedding to come. And even my bro already talks about how he 's gonna help take care of my kid in the future. Same things goes to friends, we start to talk about business and how this and that might be profitable in long term.

Its so obvious that we all are aging and growing. Judging from the sleepiness we get when the clock ticked 12 somehow tells me that its not the same anymore. 20 is a gap, once you cross over things just change whether you like it or not.

There's a funny incident happened between me and my two bros. There was this one day where we three went out separately at night for friends gathering. By the time I got back I saw my much older *erhem* whom I know rather don't like me to expose his age here already slept in the room. So I thought, wow, so no life then I went to sleep.

The next morning breakfast time my younger bro said to my mum while pointed to us: "These two already sleep like pig when I got home yesterday, so boring".

Well, you just cant compare youngness can you? Anyway, its all these little anecdotes of life that make our life memorable, and I am truly glad that I have them as my family members.

I used be the one who let rational won over in decision making. But this time is different, ticket buying process was so hasty with impulse + emotions. How I wish it was an one way ticket, the flight back home was really a torture with 10+ babies crying interchangeably throughout the plane ride.

Some had asked me would you fly 7942 miles for a kiss. I think I had the answer for it now and I never regretted it.

A fabulous home cooked-dinner sum up the last day for my trip back home.

What happened next haunted me. I left all my worries back in Vancouver and departed.

By the time I got back here I can hardly spell out the name of this once and not over to say, always familiar place. That two weeks got me fully detached from the reality that I had the luxury to escape from.

Sitting inside the train heading to the place I live I felt so alone, and its funny that the feeling doesn't strike during the painful 20 hours flight but only came after I touched down. Pain I say, but good pain.

Maybe the prolonged jetlag afterward is a sign for me to tell me that I still am not ready to take this all by myself. Few more months, I told myself.

Here I thank everyone who made this trip wonderful. Without you guys the trip would be just another dead boring car, train, flight ride. Thank you.

When I was in my teen I have so little to worry about, the goal is,

Study, get into good university then you will get a good job=good life.

That's it! No one will be there to tell you the exact way of how to get to there but yet your parent has it for you. The "ultimate solution" that will get you through life which you probably will never regret. At least they think it is "the way"

So I didnt have much speculation of how my future life will be back then. I attended school, hang out with friends, do a lot of homework exercises, and of course eat a lot of rice. Whether you do good or do bad, you have to finish what you have started, then only you can break free from the cycle and do the things you like.

Because "the way" is fixed, what you can do is whether to do it in a faster and easier way, or take it the rough way. There is no option, either you go to university, or you are a failure. It just matters so much to parent for their children of this generation to have at least a degree.

Having a degree means more money, more status and most importantly more stable in a sense that no one can deny its mere existence, albeit of its not-so-clear-utilities.

Sadly it is now more like a have-to-acquire thing rather that a want.

I once was a kid and all I had was a dream.

But when I walked further down the road, I question myself is it the A4 size paper with my name that I seek for, or is it the knowledge that I gained on the way acquiring it?

Is it how much you know or how many marks you get in a test that probably you won't even remember 10 years from now that matter the most?

I wonder. Education happens when there's interest, and I think many had drawn into this quicksand that ate up all those academic passion and love.

"Education is not preparation for life; education is life itself."