These few days had been messy for me.
Despite of all the good things happened and happening in this moment, somehow I feel empty inside.

Pure surviving doesnt make you a human, but living does.

Maybe its because of the fact that I cant go back for the third year in a row now for the most special event of the year.

I am not ranting nor this kind of experience is new to me.
In fact, I learned a lot of things in these three years and I really appreciate the moment.

I always been told that tough things are for the tough guy so if you can bear with this little sacrification, eventually your name will be spell out equally with the word "successful".

Looking back into past few years I felt like I am always trying do things for people around me, not that I despise the way it was but I recently only come to think what is it in me that I truly want. I attended and tried everything possible around me, and I learned everything that come into my way.

You name it, I do it. This had been me for these few years.

I am not writing this to tell that I am the master of everything-you-can-think-of in life. But I tried to make something out of my writing. Hope that somewhere sometimes or some corner my words would influence someone and make a positive impact to someone. Or at least, result something in you. I wouldn't say I want to change someone, because thats not my primary intention. And changes is made within a person, not by external forces.
I used to think money is everything. So I chase it then come to realize that a lot of things are more important in my life. And that include you, you and you who are now reading this at this moment.
Now I am at the point of my life to think that even if I die with shitload of money, what will people remember me for?

Once there was a guy told me:

and yea, I think maybe he is true.

It cost you nothing to dream, but everything not to.

I always have an interest on garderning. Growing a flower, to be specific.

But the thing about growing flowers is no matter how much loves and cares you invested, it will wither anyhow. The good will come after those hard work but sadly and unevitably, bad follows.

Yet, everyone still goes for it. With the realization that it will leave you one day, they still try their best to extend the blossoming period.

I used to had a plant at home. Its my habit to water it everyday when I could because I really like that plant. Sometimes I will just sit under the tree aand do nothing. The mere presence of that tree makes me feel safe. Under the tree I just have to be myself and not have to act according to characters. With that tree, I feel strong.

But then things changed. Or should I say changing? I dun get to go back home that often as time goes by. It started with me having to leave home for two days, then slowly one week, then half month, and now 8 months. I witnessed how it changed everytime I went back . And I always ask my mum did they do anything to that tree and the answer is always no.

It just change.

But the truth is, I did like the way it grow for the first two years when I was able to care for it wholeheartedly. Its just so perfectly lined up and to be honest I would stay at my home forever just because of that tree. But then when I got away from home to pursue for further education. It doesnt goes on to the way I wish anymore.

The first year going back the tree is cool as it is, then I start to ignore it. I forgot its existence and I just left it grow at the backyard. The feeling of not watering it anymore is just in me, I was already used to treat it as how it is that time. Heck! Once you started to take things for granted, you wont stop.

Eventually, it comes to a point where I even forgetten how the seed was planted at the very first place.

Then until last year when I went back home I realize it was gone. The tree was bitten by pests so my family have to remove it from the backyard.
And to date, I still miss that tree and how that tree had taught me those untold lesson. Without this period of my life, I would be nothing.

And now?

Life goes on

You cant stop running once you started. Like how you cant stop breathing after you were born.

Back then I always will say this is "the best day of my life", but is that really?
I was 17 years old back then and there's still a long way to go in my life
To be honest, I would rather don't want to have the best day of my life yet.
If it happened already, what would be my life after that?
Knowing that the best was in your past is scary. There would be no point of living after that
I now live because there is a certain hope inside me.

"So, don't bring this day to me, cause I want to dream about it for the rest of my life"

My life had been on treadmill all the while. And it will still be. Its never simple, and I will never want it to be.
Dear all my family and friends,

There are something that I hope that I can tell you all. And trust me, I wouldnt exchange a truth for a friendship or a family member. Those are the thing that I care the most. But its just not the time yet. I wish I can know the result earlier too but the problem is its just impossible.

This is that moment. The moment that people say might very well be the time where it could change ur life totally, for better or worse. Which in this case, the latter.

Just hope the best out of it. And when its time. I will tell.

Thank you.
Here is what sum up my 2010.

Its a new start of many things. Some lessons are best learned through pain. I lost some and of course gained some in return.

Some things started and ended as well in this year. There are some that I am glad I didnt start it at all. One thing to note that I realize there is so many side of me that no one really know about. Not even myself. When I am showing different emotion, it tends to be a different me. And so I come to conclude, maybe its best to go back to the one that know me the most. Let everything follow the flow.

I guess I had lost something that I hold most dear in my life. And of course gained something in return. Its not that I didnt try, but when something is gone, it is. But I guess things change, as how people do as well. I always come to think myself how can someone once so close and wave goodbye to you just like that. I was never the one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new.
But trust me, my memory still remain at where we used to share and laugh together.

Not surprisingly, I sleep through most of the days in 2010.

June, I had the best trip of my life so far. I must say I learn so much more about my family through this trip. What can I say? I am nothing without them. Its not until recent year I start to feel the bond with him. Albeit the distance and the latitude, just knowing that there is someone at the other side of the world sharing the same blood is enough. Recalling the time when I was driving from Sydney to Melbourne is nolstagic. Thats the time when I realized I am now at the age of taking care my family.

I am not a saint nor a superman, I am just one member of this family.

To quote what he said;

"The fundamental of our brotherhood was built on nothing but a corollary of the maternal parenthood. The brotherhood we had is not simply an adherence to biological connection, it is an outgrowth of fraternal covenant."

2010 is the year I started to set goals for my life. I had to do something in my life. And that something has to be recognizable.

Travelling around has been the thing that I keep on doing for summer. It doesnt really matter where you go, but who you go with.

I learned that every beautiful thing has thorns. It might be good to keep on doing one thing that benefit yourself, but eventually you will get caught and hurt yourself. To date, this is the biggest challenge that I face in my life.

Puntured a few times in the year, but saw and learned a lot of things in the process.

Vancouver 2010. Paralympic closing ceremony, it striked me hard that if they can do it, why not me? Where there is a will, there's a way

Set my foot in 7 countries and a few different continent. Ate quite some amount of food, got a know a few friends. Travelling is always a part of me, I always like to feel the scent of different culture and living style.

Haiti Earthquake 2010. A catastrophic 7.0M earthquake hit Haiti and approximately 3 millions people were affected. Those aid from all over the world is really heart warming. There is still hope and love in this planet. Our donation might be little but still, it helps.

Sushi. I believed I ate for more than 300 salmon sushi for the whole year.

Thailand trip 2010 is particularly interesting to me. The day before I was still lying on bed thinking where to go, the next, I am already in Thailand, it usually doesn't take long for me to do a decision. To say "see first" is not me, and I would rather do more things in life than to regret afterward.

Meet up with this guy after one year not seeing each other. He is still the same, and I think I am too. What surprise me the most is how much we growed in this one year. We shared a lot and I am really glad that I can still tell him everything.

2011, its time for me to strive for my future.
New year resolution? I have none I guess. Things change too fast that I didnt even know what will happen then next second. So this is all I did for 2010, what about yours?