So this is to celebrate my 300th post in blogspot?

Exam mood is on but still, I made the move to blog here because there is something I wanted to write down here to remind myself.

Somehow the future vision is vague right now. Four years ago, I knew exactly what I am gonna do, with who, at where in my future. But now, its all in a mist.

Stumbled on this quote few days ago and I have to admit its so true yet so crucial in everyone's life.
"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest lost is what dies within us while we live."

When everyone is chasing for new things in life, which one of them are actually preventing something from dying inside?

When you are holding the umbrella, what are you hiding for? The rain or the sorrow-ness in ur eye that could be easily seen by people?

And what is the thing you care most about in your life?
Facing all those rumors saying how the world is gonna come to an end and you know what, I am not terrified.
As oldschool as it may sound, I know what's gonna happen will happen eventually, with or without ur presence.

I dunno if the megaquack or the alien is coming tomorrow but there is one thing I can be sure of. That is we are closer to death day by day.

Giving up is not the right way, we are not coming this far to give up. We are here to move forward and become better everyday.

So put some smile on that face, its not what lying ahead or behind us that matter, its what lying between.

This is not a post to glorify him.

Its not about genius-like-he-is or oh-how-good-looking he is.

This is about us, the crazy stuff that we did together, about the feeling of being together with him, with family.

He is simply doing something that I can only look up to.

It seems impossible that he had left home for almost ten years now

Our time spent together wasnt that many, but very much a blessing

I think the most important thing is we are always happy to do whatever we wanted.

And here is something I want to tell you long time ago,

You were the first one who got to study abroad on your own in the family. I don't know much about what happen at that time but still, I had all my regards with you. Because at that time, I thought that's something I would never had the chance to do.

I remember as a kid, I can never link myself with you. Somehow I don't feel the connection with you because of the physical and mental distance we had. The only reason I will feel happy for your returning home is merely because of the 10 or 20 bucks that you would give me. Or the special occasion where you will bring back a better CPU so that I could play games with you at that time

Due to the 5 years age gap we have got between us, there wasnt much to talk to you. If any, it will be the arguments. Then it proceed to a point where we start fighting, and not suprisingly you always won, which I know you are still proud of until now.

Many, like you, never get along with own younger brother well at teenager age. I always come to wonder how can you treat our cousin brother way better than me in every possible way you can think of. And trust me, once I thought it was because I am not chubby and cute enough.

Life in the family was run on strictly disciplined lines and all of us were instilled with a sense of responsibility and self-sufficienct. If you did good, you get reward, if you did bad things, you know what is to expect next.

In fact, I can still remember the time when only me, you and pa in the house and we went to the grocery store to get our own present. I wanted a watch that time, but it was too expensive so you suggested me to use a pen to draw watch on my hand. You were serious that time, I always know that. But still, those are the memories, and those are the things that kept me smiling alone at night.

Being the first born in the family is not easy, expectations and smothering always come high on any new parent’s to do list, they push everything and try to set up rules for the first one. Second borns have a much better chance of being normal. Thank you for exploring those road for me, for being the one who clear the path so that I wont fall down when I am walking behind you.

Thank you for guiding me in life, showing me how to behave as a person and a proper man of the world, being useful and strive for perfectness while putting family at the first place. It is one of the most useful things that you have equipped me with.

Never once have I heard you complaining about how difficult you life was or excuse yourself from some obligation because we had a poorer chance than other rich children. Its you who taught me when you want something, you got to work hard to get it. Or else you would just end up with nothing.

You live and shine in your own way. Thank you for your support. Till now, I still do remember the times when you were willing to use up some of your time to teach me to do homework, in hope that I am able to become someone that lives up to your standard.

I am a very fortunate man, and I have a lot.

Even though most of the memory we share is the time when you asked me to pack food for you at the restaurant near my house and the "butcher" story.

The night we laughed, ate the gummy bears that taste terrible, and had fun is a definitely a night to remember.

There is one thing that I love about running.

You dun stand in front of the mirror before you run and wonder what the road would think about you

You dun have to listen to a joke and pretend that it is funny.

You dun have to put that mask on and pretend everything is right when you are running.

The track wouldnt notice if you do ur hair or dressed up like a star

He doesnt care how valuable are you to him, how many you can offer, and how similar you are to him

The only thing track care about is that you pay visit him once in a while. And thats all that matter, he doesnt judge, he doesnt criticize.

I am all physic and force.

No longer do I understand the names around me, though all of them remains distantly crucial. Deep down something missed, and will never come back again.

Like how you ate one awesome heavenly food first time, then only come to realize its actually not that good the second time.

Those names cause me pain, of course that is okay. I want the pain - as much as possible. Maximum sensation, before none.

Then it comes to a point where I realized to leave is the best way to prevent further damage.

And so I did. I quit to save myself. I would never pursue the pieces that had been broken. The fragility and desperation is not something that I want.

This is why I value my headaches, despite of its destructiveness.

Because after the pressure explodes the walls of selfhood, nothing will ever be the same again.

When I heard those words coming out from people's mouth I feel funny. Who are you to talk about the things that you were never in anyway?

The sense of self is just something that men wouldnt give up.

Who are you to comment on others when you are the one who do exactly the same thing?

At that time,

There is only the cool night air caressing my face, the sound of the snowbreeze, the heavenly vault , and the weightlessness of having finally put down a heavy object.

for a few second - a few strange, lovely second - the sensation is not unpleasant. If there is anything in my mind now, it is the vague sense of relief.

and the sound of footsteps leaving, never returned.