2011 was a year of fear and growth.

It was a good and bad year all mix up. But the goods definitely out win the bads.
It started with the San Francisco new year eve count down, which was well spent with Mr Jay Chou.

San Francisco was great, its a city so rich in culture and heritage.
Before San Francisco was the painful 8 hours plus drive from LA to San Jose. The entire 8 hours was peaceful with some snoring sound from the back of the car. It was a tiring drive but my music kept me well awake. The journey was smooth with some short stop for naps and coffee break. It was a night drive with barely any traffic, but occasionally some aggressive truck did pass by. The darn straight long road never seem to end all the way to San Jose.

It was a little scary when you are the only one awake in that space. It was a feeling more than just lonely. When the clock ticked 8:35, we reached our destination safely.

School started, back to old business, decided to move back to campus since taking an hour bus ride to campus is too much a of a pain. Classes was good, the weather was nice and not so much snowing like the previous 2 years. Met this wonderful girl in Jan and never look back ever since.

Feb was a month of nothing special other than going to lectures and tests. Haha, but the most important things to mention here is, I adopted the habit of brushing teeth every night before i sleep (no judgement is needed here). Back to Seattle for the Spring break and have the dim sum. One of my best friend got into relationship, which surprised me, and here I gave my best wishes to them.

March actually passed too fast without me even noticing it.

Was in exam period. Struck by the news of grandpa became really sick. Feel so helpless at that moment. Wrote a blog post about it but never published it. Its a bad timing but that's life, things just happen. My childhood memory with him is not clear for me. Except the time when me and my mum went to pass him the money and the simple greeting when we got together for a dinner. Life was never easy at his time, with Japanese occupation and needing to feed seven mouths.
Good news is he is perfectly well now, and I am really glad for that.

May was a month of big feast and catching up with friends and family. Went for karaoke session with family once I reach the airport. Had lots of fun and feel safe with the people you love around you. Had been missing too many good food that I have to take it all back within the four months window that I have back home. Met the girl of my life for the first time once I get down from the plane. Will never forget the way she looked at me the first time. Love is just something that you cant explain by words. Perhaps crazy is the word for this month.

June was a month of travelling, so was July actually. Went to Hong Kong, Macau and Bali for the second time. Caught a glimpse on where my future will be headed towards. Finally got to take a good picture Hong Kong night scene, still the best I have ever seen in my entire life.

This is the moment when I decided to cut the angel's wing not allow her to go back to heaven or to anyone else.
I was kinda tired of just existing before her arrival, I wanted to live. Sometimes before this I feel like my existence is merely for others. These questions went through my mind over and over again till I reached the point of not wanting to wake up from the dream that felt so real to me.

Later the India trip became an important transition point in my life.
You cant to be something that you are not, you have to be you.
You intensely love novelties in order to hate them more intensely afterward. Don't go chase for so many things that you didn't own. Cherish what you had, treasure what you possessed.

India was a trip of soul finding, and I found my way there. Was only browsing in Air Asia website then suddenly stumble upon the ticket and booked it. Not much thoughts was given that time but later it proved to be the best trip of my life.
Perhaps things are all in harmony all along before us, then money, power, and evil intention came in and destroy every best things in life.

Visited Korea in this month as well. The BBQ meat there is just too heavenly good.

August was about taking things slow and enjoying life as its best. Traveled in my lovely car with the love one. Stocking up things so that I wont be die of famine when I fly back to the cold country. Been trying out hotel in Kl as well. Found back some old photo and realize I was really fat back then. Like seriously fat.

These four months was all about stuck in the northern hemisphere. Spending most of my life alone here figuring out whats next in my life. Was trying to make a map for my future. Back to the gym routine, start to do exercise seriously. Got a guitar as my birthday present :D
was whining how i never got the chance to learn a musical instrument all the while but guess I go no reason to say no now.
Been working hard for my final years. Looking back everything just seems surreal to me. I have reach this point with a few regrets but much gratitude.

Also a dream kept haunted me early Novermber.
I frequently have this dream about me going into an elevator with only 13th floor and 17th floor button which strangely resemble the building I lived in now. I always refuse to step into the elevator because it seems too dangerous to me. And everytime when I take it, it will brought me to some place else.
I always take dream quite seriously, till now I still cant explain the content of that dream.

Am officially 23 in few hours time. I hope the year of 2012 will be a fruitful and rewarding year.
Always have this thought of writing something here but end up forgetting it

Will write something here, something about these years that I had and everything that I did.

To be continued....
ben ben de face

289 days back, on a dull afternoon, i hit the approved button for the friend request sent by the special one.

Who would have thought that she is mine now?
She is not just another one, she is the one :)

Happy birthday to the Angel!

am born 21 days before to wait for your arrival in this world :3

When friends heard we were going to India the first reaction they gave was asking if we were serious, or did we mixed up India with Indonesia, true story. And the reason is often because people like us don't go to India. By like us i mean people who are in their early 20s, which perfectly define us. And who would bring your girlfriend that you just met for like half year to India?

And of course I have got some negative comment from her bff on like "why your boyfriend so not romantic one". But that's ok, because the trip itself proved them wrong. It was a great and worth mentioning trip.

Before me and my girlfriend went on the trip, we were told that many people don’t enjoy their first trip to India. Rather, it takes most people multiple trips to get past the point of feeling overwhelmed so that they can begin to enjoy and even fall in love with the culture. That’s not true, we both fall in love to the culture right away once we touched down in Delhi airport. We love India, every single bit of it.

The first thing we noticed in India is children are left running on the street on their own. Literacy rate became our first concern when we saw those kids walking on the street bared foot and some without pants. This is certainly a huge problem, we were furious about the literacy rate there so we talked to some people who were benefiting from the education and skills training provided by the government. Sadly, government did provide education but many are too poor to afford it. Many were wandering around the street begging for money. They would follow you everywhere once you have given them something. I felt that what these children really needed was our attention, and our ability to play with them and make them feel special. Once they got the feeling from you, they will start following you because it feels good to them. Instead of giving them money, the pretty one suggested that we bought them pen instead. Well at the end we didn't manage to give it all out but yea, we tried.

Throughout the trip, we did faced some long day and anxious moment where we buck up out awareness and do our best not to be cheated by the local because of those ugly stories we were told. And at one point we came out from one of the attraction in Udaipur only to realize that our driver is gone and all our luggages and passport are in the car! Not forgetting those awkward photo requests by the local, they treat you as if you were something that worth gazing on. Walk fast, no eye contact is definitely one of the first thing you will learn when you are at India. Most importantly, hold your hand tight.

India is a country full of contrasts – where the old and new, good and bad, rich and poor exist together, side-by-side. But It was incredibly inspiring to see how determined some were to take advantage of the opportunity to build a successful life for themselves and their families in that kind of situation. You see modern Delhi metro at one staircase away but yet down there men are unzipping their pants and urinating along the street wall. On the other hand, despite of its poverty, everyone on the street is wearing shirt and long pants. And perhaps most people there are living base on this principle, “Don’t worry, be happy, eat curry” (Which is true as we ate curry every day for that week). We were having a fantastic time in India, all the hotels and english-speaking guides have been top-notch and the food is second to none. What we want to say is these cities we visited were aesthetically a mess. But they work, sort of – at least for the people in them so judging is not needed here.

Its probably true to say that You can’t describe India, you can’t fully understand India. You have to feel India. Despite of how desperately I want to tell you my experience in India, here I will stop myself. The Taj, the people, and the culture in India is something one have to be experienced first-hand

And yea, we once thought we will be the one in hundred who doesnt get stomachache after the trip. But we were wrong. We did get stomachache, but still, it doesnt kill the fun. Not to mention the painful 8 hours on the plane where the angel got so sick and we have to request for seat changing so that she can lay down and rest.

I met a guy this summer

His name is Sunil, a very down to earth guy. Humble, not much word from him but every word is from his life.

There was a quote I once read in Indian newspaper during the trip :"This city harden you, it teaches you to block out one thought and move on to the next." That was a phrase from a citizen after the Mumbai bombing incident. True enough, sadly too true to be reality for people who are living there.

He is in his 30s, have a one year old daughter. Life is tough, he only got to meet his wife twice a year. His hometown is 1270km away from Delhi, takes one whole day for train to arrive.

I used to be so lost where I didn't even know what's in front of me anymore until I meet this guy. His principle of life is what I had been looking for so long. Do what you should do, leave the rest to fate. Hold the belief, and prepare for the worst to come. Keep your dreams alive. Be good to everyone.

I am always amaze by the life of being a driver. Wondering what they have been through inside the small tiny window that separate them from the reality. In the car they see every bad and good things that happened without involving themselves. And there goes ten, twenty, or even forty years of life.

Actions are the seed of fate deeds grow into destiny. I always believe that. You grow a lemon, you got a lemon, simple as that. Life is complicated, but it shouldn't be. Living in reality tires people but what's more important is how to sneak yourself our from the "tough" life, and live on.

Along the trip I truly enjoy his company, his existence reassure me from being con and cheated by the local. Life is not easy there, but he manage to survive, and survive great as I can see.

So here is to you Mr Sunil, I wish you very best of your life to you and your family. People like you is hard to find in this dog eat dog world but I am glad that I met you. You put smile on your customer's face, that's the greatest one can do.

Good Luck

Been to here and there for a month plus now. Saw a lot and exposed to a kind of life that I never knew I could fit in few years back.

But to tell the truth, my life is not bad. At least I am looking for every tomorrow to come. There might not be sunshine tomorrow but to know there are people around you to walk through it with you is enough. More than enough I shall say.

And here I declare, 5 countries, one month, camera, start....

You know, I strived for the last whole year for a better life that I can live in at this time. It kinda sucks when everything is still not on the right track for you.

Its kinda sucks when you know everything that you do is not worth it at all.
Its kinda sucks when you see someone once you knew the most now acting like dunno you at all.

And its kinda suck when everything fell and you are the only one to stand tall and carry the burden.

Burden is the word, and I am the man
So this is to celebrate my 300th post in blogspot?

Exam mood is on but still, I made the move to blog here because there is something I wanted to write down here to remind myself.

Somehow the future vision is vague right now. Four years ago, I knew exactly what I am gonna do, with who, at where in my future. But now, its all in a mist.

Stumbled on this quote few days ago and I have to admit its so true yet so crucial in everyone's life.
"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest lost is what dies within us while we live."

When everyone is chasing for new things in life, which one of them are actually preventing something from dying inside?

When you are holding the umbrella, what are you hiding for? The rain or the sorrow-ness in ur eye that could be easily seen by people?

And what is the thing you care most about in your life?
Facing all those rumors saying how the world is gonna come to an end and you know what, I am not terrified.
As oldschool as it may sound, I know what's gonna happen will happen eventually, with or without ur presence.

I dunno if the megaquack or the alien is coming tomorrow but there is one thing I can be sure of. That is we are closer to death day by day.

Giving up is not the right way, we are not coming this far to give up. We are here to move forward and become better everyday.

So put some smile on that face, its not what lying ahead or behind us that matter, its what lying between.

This is not a post to glorify him.

Its not about genius-like-he-is or oh-how-good-looking he is.

This is about us, the crazy stuff that we did together, about the feeling of being together with him, with family.

He is simply doing something that I can only look up to.

It seems impossible that he had left home for almost ten years now

Our time spent together wasnt that many, but very much a blessing

I think the most important thing is we are always happy to do whatever we wanted.

And here is something I want to tell you long time ago,

You were the first one who got to study abroad on your own in the family. I don't know much about what happen at that time but still, I had all my regards with you. Because at that time, I thought that's something I would never had the chance to do.

I remember as a kid, I can never link myself with you. Somehow I don't feel the connection with you because of the physical and mental distance we had. The only reason I will feel happy for your returning home is merely because of the 10 or 20 bucks that you would give me. Or the special occasion where you will bring back a better CPU so that I could play games with you at that time

Due to the 5 years age gap we have got between us, there wasnt much to talk to you. If any, it will be the arguments. Then it proceed to a point where we start fighting, and not suprisingly you always won, which I know you are still proud of until now.

Many, like you, never get along with own younger brother well at teenager age. I always come to wonder how can you treat our cousin brother way better than me in every possible way you can think of. And trust me, once I thought it was because I am not chubby and cute enough.

Life in the family was run on strictly disciplined lines and all of us were instilled with a sense of responsibility and self-sufficienct. If you did good, you get reward, if you did bad things, you know what is to expect next.

In fact, I can still remember the time when only me, you and pa in the house and we went to the grocery store to get our own present. I wanted a watch that time, but it was too expensive so you suggested me to use a pen to draw watch on my hand. You were serious that time, I always know that. But still, those are the memories, and those are the things that kept me smiling alone at night.

Being the first born in the family is not easy, expectations and smothering always come high on any new parent’s to do list, they push everything and try to set up rules for the first one. Second borns have a much better chance of being normal. Thank you for exploring those road for me, for being the one who clear the path so that I wont fall down when I am walking behind you.

Thank you for guiding me in life, showing me how to behave as a person and a proper man of the world, being useful and strive for perfectness while putting family at the first place. It is one of the most useful things that you have equipped me with.

Never once have I heard you complaining about how difficult you life was or excuse yourself from some obligation because we had a poorer chance than other rich children. Its you who taught me when you want something, you got to work hard to get it. Or else you would just end up with nothing.

You live and shine in your own way. Thank you for your support. Till now, I still do remember the times when you were willing to use up some of your time to teach me to do homework, in hope that I am able to become someone that lives up to your standard.

I am a very fortunate man, and I have a lot.

Even though most of the memory we share is the time when you asked me to pack food for you at the restaurant near my house and the "butcher" story.

The night we laughed, ate the gummy bears that taste terrible, and had fun is a definitely a night to remember.

There is one thing that I love about running.

You dun stand in front of the mirror before you run and wonder what the road would think about you

You dun have to listen to a joke and pretend that it is funny.

You dun have to put that mask on and pretend everything is right when you are running.

The track wouldnt notice if you do ur hair or dressed up like a star

He doesnt care how valuable are you to him, how many you can offer, and how similar you are to him

The only thing track care about is that you pay visit him once in a while. And thats all that matter, he doesnt judge, he doesnt criticize.

I am all physic and force.

No longer do I understand the names around me, though all of them remains distantly crucial. Deep down something missed, and will never come back again.

Like how you ate one awesome heavenly food first time, then only come to realize its actually not that good the second time.

Those names cause me pain, of course that is okay. I want the pain - as much as possible. Maximum sensation, before none.

Then it comes to a point where I realized to leave is the best way to prevent further damage.

And so I did. I quit to save myself. I would never pursue the pieces that had been broken. The fragility and desperation is not something that I want.

This is why I value my headaches, despite of its destructiveness.

Because after the pressure explodes the walls of selfhood, nothing will ever be the same again.

When I heard those words coming out from people's mouth I feel funny. Who are you to talk about the things that you were never in anyway?

The sense of self is just something that men wouldnt give up.

Who are you to comment on others when you are the one who do exactly the same thing?

At that time,

There is only the cool night air caressing my face, the sound of the snowbreeze, the heavenly vault , and the weightlessness of having finally put down a heavy object.

for a few second - a few strange, lovely second - the sensation is not unpleasant. If there is anything in my mind now, it is the vague sense of relief.

and the sound of footsteps leaving, never returned.

我是一个2006 SPM华语科得B3的学生,今年22岁,就读加拿大卑诗大学 三年级心理学

如果你对自己的前途和华文都有兴趣, 那请你继续读完整篇文章

一旦传统被改变了, 我们对自己的定义也必须要因此而转变。




华语仅是华文的其中一部分, 我希望的是华人们都会尊重和爱惜华文。

正因为这份平凡, 我选择了用我这一份力量去传承自己的文化。

若人只会惧怕痛苦,惧怕种种疾病,惧怕不测的事情,惧怕失败和危险,他活着是为了什么呢?现在的我依然很光荣地告诉别人说我华语没拿A, 因为我爱我的母语。虽然他在我成绩单上加了一个B,但是对我来说在成绩单上的那个"Bahasa Cina"印字才是最重要的。



送上一句“志不强者智不达,言不信者行不果” 与大家共勉之

The memory of me with my dad isnt that many, but there is a particular one that I wish to record down here.
It was raining heavily that day while we were on the highway after we dropped my brother off to his college. The rain was so horrible that neither of us in the car can barely see the road.
Some other cars chose to pull over because its just too dangerous to go on.
Just when me and my mum started to get nervous and worry of the road condition, he told me:

"Whenever you can't see the whats in front of you, just look at the white lines on the road, they will guide you to go further."

and that was the only sentence he spoke to me during that 7 hours journey.

I was really astonished by that word of him.
I remember as a kid, I can never see anything beyond the head light at night. But still I felt so safe cause I know my dad was the one who's driving.
Albeit of the terrible carsick I get when I was a kid, I can still see his back when he was driving. Protecting the family in his own way.

Then it comes to the point when I start to drive myself

The first time I drove for around 8 hours non stop in Ozland is something that I will never forget.

The murmuring voice beside my ears once I exceed 110km/h
Those aggressive trucks that overtook me again and again.
The dead silence when everyone fell asleep in the car.
Then ipod music I put on to prevent me from falling asleep.
And the faces of my family.
A lot of things came through my mind in that moment.
I realize I have started to give into this family.

Its not just a casual night-driving day for me. For me, its a day of growth.

And till now, I will always think of that word my dad told me when I was driving. Because he speaks so little, every word of him are so important to me.

Should you ever accidently ran into the wrong lane of life, look at the white line and you will walk straight back again.

He let me crawled and find my own ways of living so I know what suit me best.
Everyone have to fall down a few times before we learned how to walk.
It doesn't matter how others thought my father was; it matters who I remember how he was.

I must say, the greatest thing he ever gave me is his silence.
He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.

I used to like being complicated.

But I guess I was wrong, being complicated is not the thing I was looking for.

Being lively is.
Like how those old folks used to tell me, the best thing about something is having none of it at all.

And I think i had found it now [:

These few days had been messy for me.
Despite of all the good things happened and happening in this moment, somehow I feel empty inside.

Pure surviving doesnt make you a human, but living does.

Maybe its because of the fact that I cant go back for the third year in a row now for the most special event of the year.

I am not ranting nor this kind of experience is new to me.
In fact, I learned a lot of things in these three years and I really appreciate the moment.

I always been told that tough things are for the tough guy so if you can bear with this little sacrification, eventually your name will be spell out equally with the word "successful".

Looking back into past few years I felt like I am always trying do things for people around me, not that I despise the way it was but I recently only come to think what is it in me that I truly want. I attended and tried everything possible around me, and I learned everything that come into my way.

You name it, I do it. This had been me for these few years.

I am not writing this to tell that I am the master of everything-you-can-think-of in life. But I tried to make something out of my writing. Hope that somewhere sometimes or some corner my words would influence someone and make a positive impact to someone. Or at least, result something in you. I wouldn't say I want to change someone, because thats not my primary intention. And changes is made within a person, not by external forces.
I used to think money is everything. So I chase it then come to realize that a lot of things are more important in my life. And that include you, you and you who are now reading this at this moment.
Now I am at the point of my life to think that even if I die with shitload of money, what will people remember me for?

Once there was a guy told me:

and yea, I think maybe he is true.

It cost you nothing to dream, but everything not to.

I always have an interest on garderning. Growing a flower, to be specific.

But the thing about growing flowers is no matter how much loves and cares you invested, it will wither anyhow. The good will come after those hard work but sadly and unevitably, bad follows.

Yet, everyone still goes for it. With the realization that it will leave you one day, they still try their best to extend the blossoming period.

I used to had a plant at home. Its my habit to water it everyday when I could because I really like that plant. Sometimes I will just sit under the tree aand do nothing. The mere presence of that tree makes me feel safe. Under the tree I just have to be myself and not have to act according to characters. With that tree, I feel strong.

But then things changed. Or should I say changing? I dun get to go back home that often as time goes by. It started with me having to leave home for two days, then slowly one week, then half month, and now 8 months. I witnessed how it changed everytime I went back . And I always ask my mum did they do anything to that tree and the answer is always no.

It just change.

But the truth is, I did like the way it grow for the first two years when I was able to care for it wholeheartedly. Its just so perfectly lined up and to be honest I would stay at my home forever just because of that tree. But then when I got away from home to pursue for further education. It doesnt goes on to the way I wish anymore.

The first year going back the tree is cool as it is, then I start to ignore it. I forgot its existence and I just left it grow at the backyard. The feeling of not watering it anymore is just in me, I was already used to treat it as how it is that time. Heck! Once you started to take things for granted, you wont stop.

Eventually, it comes to a point where I even forgetten how the seed was planted at the very first place.

Then until last year when I went back home I realize it was gone. The tree was bitten by pests so my family have to remove it from the backyard.
And to date, I still miss that tree and how that tree had taught me those untold lesson. Without this period of my life, I would be nothing.

And now?

Life goes on

You cant stop running once you started. Like how you cant stop breathing after you were born.

Back then I always will say this is "the best day of my life", but is that really?
I was 17 years old back then and there's still a long way to go in my life
To be honest, I would rather don't want to have the best day of my life yet.
If it happened already, what would be my life after that?
Knowing that the best was in your past is scary. There would be no point of living after that
I now live because there is a certain hope inside me.

"So, don't bring this day to me, cause I want to dream about it for the rest of my life"

My life had been on treadmill all the while. And it will still be. Its never simple, and I will never want it to be.
Dear all my family and friends,

There are something that I hope that I can tell you all. And trust me, I wouldnt exchange a truth for a friendship or a family member. Those are the thing that I care the most. But its just not the time yet. I wish I can know the result earlier too but the problem is its just impossible.

This is that moment. The moment that people say might very well be the time where it could change ur life totally, for better or worse. Which in this case, the latter.

Just hope the best out of it. And when its time. I will tell.

Thank you.
Here is what sum up my 2010.

Its a new start of many things. Some lessons are best learned through pain. I lost some and of course gained some in return.

Some things started and ended as well in this year. There are some that I am glad I didnt start it at all. One thing to note that I realize there is so many side of me that no one really know about. Not even myself. When I am showing different emotion, it tends to be a different me. And so I come to conclude, maybe its best to go back to the one that know me the most. Let everything follow the flow.

I guess I had lost something that I hold most dear in my life. And of course gained something in return. Its not that I didnt try, but when something is gone, it is. But I guess things change, as how people do as well. I always come to think myself how can someone once so close and wave goodbye to you just like that. I was never the one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new.
But trust me, my memory still remain at where we used to share and laugh together.

Not surprisingly, I sleep through most of the days in 2010.

June, I had the best trip of my life so far. I must say I learn so much more about my family through this trip. What can I say? I am nothing without them. Its not until recent year I start to feel the bond with him. Albeit the distance and the latitude, just knowing that there is someone at the other side of the world sharing the same blood is enough. Recalling the time when I was driving from Sydney to Melbourne is nolstagic. Thats the time when I realized I am now at the age of taking care my family.

I am not a saint nor a superman, I am just one member of this family.

To quote what he said;

"The fundamental of our brotherhood was built on nothing but a corollary of the maternal parenthood. The brotherhood we had is not simply an adherence to biological connection, it is an outgrowth of fraternal covenant."

2010 is the year I started to set goals for my life. I had to do something in my life. And that something has to be recognizable.

Travelling around has been the thing that I keep on doing for summer. It doesnt really matter where you go, but who you go with.

I learned that every beautiful thing has thorns. It might be good to keep on doing one thing that benefit yourself, but eventually you will get caught and hurt yourself. To date, this is the biggest challenge that I face in my life.

Puntured a few times in the year, but saw and learned a lot of things in the process.

Vancouver 2010. Paralympic closing ceremony, it striked me hard that if they can do it, why not me? Where there is a will, there's a way

Set my foot in 7 countries and a few different continent. Ate quite some amount of food, got a know a few friends. Travelling is always a part of me, I always like to feel the scent of different culture and living style.

Haiti Earthquake 2010. A catastrophic 7.0M earthquake hit Haiti and approximately 3 millions people were affected. Those aid from all over the world is really heart warming. There is still hope and love in this planet. Our donation might be little but still, it helps.

Sushi. I believed I ate for more than 300 salmon sushi for the whole year.

Thailand trip 2010 is particularly interesting to me. The day before I was still lying on bed thinking where to go, the next, I am already in Thailand, it usually doesn't take long for me to do a decision. To say "see first" is not me, and I would rather do more things in life than to regret afterward.

Meet up with this guy after one year not seeing each other. He is still the same, and I think I am too. What surprise me the most is how much we growed in this one year. We shared a lot and I am really glad that I can still tell him everything.

2011, its time for me to strive for my future.
New year resolution? I have none I guess. Things change too fast that I didnt even know what will happen then next second. So this is all I did for 2010, what about yours?