These few days had been messy for me.

Despite of all the good things happened and happening in this moment, somehow I feel empty inside.

Pure surviving doesnt make you a human, but living does.

Maybe its because of the fact that I cant go back for the third year in a row now for the most special event of the year.

I am not ranting nor this kind of experience is new to me.

In fact, I learned a lot of things in these three years and I really appreciate the moment.
Everything.

I always been told that tough things are for the tough guy so if you can bear with this little sacrification, eventually your name will be spell out equally with the word "successful".

Looking back into past few years I felt like I am always trying do things for people around me, not that I despise the way it was but I recently only come to think what is it in me that I truly want. I attended and tried everything possible around me, and I learned everything that come into my way.

You name it, I do it. This had been me for these few years.

I am not writing this to tell that I am the master of everything-you-can-think-of in life. But I tried to make something out of my writing. Hope that somewhere sometimes or some corner my words would influence someone and make a positive impact to someone. Or at least, result something in you. I wouldn't say I want to change someone, because thats not my primary intention. And changes is made within a person, not by external forces.

I used to think money is everything. So I chase it then come to realize that a lot of things are more important in my life. And that include you, you and you who are now reading this at this moment.

Now I am at the point of my life to think that even if I die with shitload of money, what will people remember me for?

Once there was a guy told me:
你是一个不是大好就是大坏的人

and yea, I think maybe he is true.

It cost you nothing to dream, but everything not to.

I always have an interest on garderning. Growing a flower, to be specific.

But the thing about growing flowers is no matter how much loves and cares you invested, it will wither anyhow. The good will come after those hard work but sadly and unevitably, bad follows.

Yet, everyone still goes for it. With the realization that it will leave you one day, they still try their best to extend the blossoming period.

I used to had a plant at home. Its my habit to water it everyday when I could because I really like that plant. Sometimes I will just sit under the tree aand do nothing. The mere presence of that tree makes me feel safe. Under the tree I just have to be myself and not have to act according to characters. With that tree, I feel strong.

But then things changed. Or should I say changing? I dun get to go back home that often as time goes by. It started with me having to leave home for two days, then slowly one week, then half month, and now 8 months. I witnessed how it changed everytime I went back . And I always ask my mum did they do anything to that tree and the answer is always no.

It just change.

But the truth is, I did like the way it grow for the first two years when I was able to care for it wholeheartedly. Its just so perfectly lined up and to be honest I would stay at my home forever just because of that tree. But then when I got away from home to pursue for further education. It doesnt goes on to the way I wish anymore.

The first year going back the tree is cool as it is, then I start to ignore it. I forgot its existence and I just left it grow at the backyard. The feeling of not watering it anymore is just in me, I was already used to treat it as how it is that time. Heck! Once you started to take things for granted, you wont stop.

Eventually, it comes to a point where I even forgetten how the seed was planted at the very first place.

Then until last year when I went back home I realize it was gone. The tree was bitten by pests so my family have to remove it from the backyard.

And to date, I still miss that tree and how that tree had taught me those untold lesson. Without this period of my life, I would be nothing.

And now?

Life goes on

You cant stop running once you started. Like how you cant stop breathing after you were born.

Back then I always will say this is "the best day of my life", but is that really?

I was 17 years old back then and there's still a long way to go in my life

To be honest, I would rather don't want to have the best day of my life yet.

If it happened already, what would be my life after that?

Knowing that the best was in your past is scary. There would be no point of living after that

I now live because there is a certain hope inside me.

"So, don't bring this day to me, cause I want to dream about it for the rest of my life"

My life had been on treadmill all the while. And it will still be. Its never simple, and I will never want it to be.

Walking down the road today I think to myself. Is there really such thing as unconditional love? Not being religion wise here but really is there any?

I would say the love to self is really the only unconditional one. Whatever you do, you will still love yourself. Even for those who totured themselves to dead, they are still doing it out of love because of the belief of toturing will bring them to who-knows-where. We cant love others more than we love ourself. At least thats what i think.

I know what I want in my life. But still, I constantly questioning about this. I examined myself everyday for I am not a perfect person and I know I never will. I know exactly the dos and don'ts for me to reach the goal of my life. But still sometimes I will do the don'ts because I know if I do enough of dos, eventually I will still get what I want. I never surrender to the word impossible.
If tomorrow never comes, I will still be glad because I have did enough of my part today.

Things start to change since I came here. I realized a lot of things doesnt really matter to me anymore. I can have this momentary happiness feeling grow from seeing people acting nice to others but as I take another glance looking deeper inside the intention I realized its all fake. As much as I feel like leaving this place for good but still I love this place. Its like how hard to get you to go jogging but on the halfway of jogging you will start to love it. This time of my life does have its purpose on me. We all were borned with questions. And what we do is to answer every question in life that we had.
I finally learned to not take marks as something that matters so much in life, rather I value the knowledge that I take home. I know in the future what I want is not about how much I scored for the test but how well I know about how this world operates.

I am a fond believer of discipline myself and acting kind to the other people. So I will jump out from this physical me and start to analyze everything I did. For better or worse, at least I tried.
I believe somehow there is someone that destined a path for us. And what we have to do is to find out where is it and walk till the very end.

But human are 'wierd', truth is only for those who choose to believe it. We all choose what we want to believe in life dun we? In that way we will feel so much better than having to believe something that is incongruent with our innate beliefs.

Its fall season now, the weather is getting colder as how my mind is now.
You have no sun, no squirrels, no T-shirt, no picnic, no leaves, no flowers. But what can you expect? Its NOvember!
Only when the road are full with leaves then we start to realized how amazing those trees used to be. It takes us three seasons to really look up to the sky and start to appreciate the nature around us.

They say autumn is the time of harvest, and I am. For knowledge.

I love autumn because of the smells that you can see and the vision u can sniff.
Its fall season. With death comes reincarnation. Its a new start for everything.

I finally got the time to sit down and put all my thoughts together.
It been a tough month, but I really enjoyed it.
It actually does feels like months.

Some people rush into our life and left. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And there is one thing that will never change, ourself. Nobody can deny the fact that we hold the ownership of it. To someone out there, please do take good care of yourself. Saying "I will be ok" and "I will be happy" is not the right way.
"will be" and "am" is two very different thing. When you say you are happy, you are. And you have to believe that you are happy.
They say you laugh because you are happy. I say you are happy because you laughed. Some people pursue for happiness, but I think we are all able to create it ourself.

Appreciate the moment. When you heard everyone is waiting for that "moment" to come. Dun wait, its already here. This is the very "moment", for now is, the next minute is, and every following minute is.
If you want to be happy, be.

Dun ask the question "Why does this happen to me" unless you ask the same question for joys that come into our way.
That is, when you are really start living.